Six Levels of Validation: Cultivate Listening and Affirmation
Building meaningful connections is an essential part of life—whether at work, with friends, or in your family. But how do you show someone, truly and deeply, that they are seen and heard? How do you make others feel understood in a way that builds trust and strengthens relationships?
The answer lies in validation—and it’s more powerful than you may realize. Validation isn’t just about nodding along or saying, “I get it.” It’s a skill, an intentional practice, and yes, an art form. The best part? Anyone can learn it.
Here are the six levels of validation that can help you connect more deeply, whether you’re having a heart-to-heart with a loved one or addressing concerns in the workplace.
Created by Chris Cushing
1. Show interest
At its core, validation starts with attention. This is Level 1, and while it might sound simple, it’s also foundational. Here’s the key: be present.
Put the phone down. Make eye contact. Turn your body toward the person speaking to show you’re engaged. Being present says, “Right here and right now, you matter.”
Practical Tip:
Next time a colleague or friend starts talking to you, resist the urge to think ahead about what you’re going to say next. Instead, focus completely on their words, their tone, and their body language.
Example: If your child runs up to you after school excited to share a story, pause what you’re doing and get on their level. “Wow, you’re excited about something! Tell me more!”
2. Accurately reflect
Validation takes a step further when you reflect back what you’ve heard. This shows that you’re not just present—you’re actively listening. Try phrases like, “What I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like…”
At this level, it’s not about jumping in to solve a problem or offer advice. It’s about ensuring the speaker knows their message landed.
Practical Tip:
Use reflective listening to summarize in your own words what they’ve shared. This gives them an opportunity to clarify, if needed, and builds understanding.
Example:
A friend vents about a frustrating day at work. You might respond, “It sounds like you’re overwhelmed with all the deadlines piling up.”
3. Put yourself in their shoes
Empathy is the heart of Level 3. It’s about stepping into their perspective and acknowledging how they might be feeling. Instead of just hearing their words, imagine their experience. Say things like, “I can see why this feels overwhelming.”
Practical Tip:
Avoid dismissing feelings with phrases like, “It’s not that big of a deal.” Even if you view the situation differently, meet them where they are emotionally instead of asking them to meet you on your terms.
Example:
A team member expresses anxiety over preparing for a big presentation. You could say, “I’d feel stressed too if I were in your shoes—it’s a lot of responsibility.”
4. Validate based on history
This level requires understanding the context of who the person is and how their past influences their present. Say things like, “I know how much this means to you” or “I’ve seen how hard you’ve worked on this, and I can see why you care so much.”
This type of validation communicates a deeper level of empathy by showing you see them fully—not just in this moment, but as the full story of their experiences.
Practical Tip:
Think about the person’s values, personality, or any patterns you’ve observed. Use that knowledge to tailor your response.
Example: A friend misses out on a promotion and feels disheartened. You can say, “I know how committed you are to excelling at your job. I can see why this is so disappointing.”
5. Validate based on current circumstances
Level 5 focuses on the here and now. It’s all about recognizing the current situation and affirming that their feelings make sense in light of what’s happening—no judgment, no fixing, just understanding.
Phrases to use include, “This is a really tough spot to be in right now” or “It’s completely understandable why you’d feel this way.”
Practical Tip:
Resist the urge to minimize the circumstances. Even if you know a solution is around the corner, validate the difficulty of the moment before offering help.
Example: A colleague shares frustration over a mistake they made during a presentation. You might say, “I can see how stressful that must have been—you worked so hard, and I know this isn’t up to your usual standard.”
6. Radical genuineness
This is the highest level of validation, and it goes beyond understanding their feelings—it gets at the why behind those feelings. Radical genuineness means being completely authentic and transparent. Say things like, “You’re upset because this matters so much to you” or “You’re feeling hurt because you care so deeply about this outcome.”
It’s about articulating not just what they feel, but why it’s valid. This level creates a profound sense of connection.
Practical Tip:
Make sure your tone matches your words—authenticity is key. The goal here isn’t to rehearse perfect phrases but to communicate with sincerity.
Example: A loved one is overwhelmed after a big argument. You might say, “You’re feeling so upset because this relationship is incredibly important to you. That makes a lot of sense.”
Why validation matters
Mastering these six levels of validation can do wonders for your relationships, both personal and professional. Here’s why it’s worth the effort:
Enhanced communication: People open up when they feel truly heard, leading to better collaboration and stronger teamwork.
Deeper trust: Validation creates a safe space where individuals feel valued, respected, and accepted.
Improved emotional intelligence: Practicing validation helps you tune into your own emotions and those of others.
When you validate someone, you’re not just hearing their words—you’re holding space for their emotions, story, and experience. This kind of connection fosters understanding, empathy, and mutual respect, which are the bedrock of any successful relationship.
Your turn
Which level of validation do you rely on most? Are there levels you’d like to practice more? Take a moment to reflect on how you communicate in your relationships. Start with Level 1—put the phone down, listen, and be present. You might be surprised at how something so simple can make such a big impact.