Easing Tensions with GIVE
Created by Chris Cushing
Effective communication is at the heart of every good relationship, whether it’s with family, friends, coworkers, or even strangers. But what happens when things get tense? When misunderstandings arise, or emotions start running high, finding a way to de-escalate the situation while building trust can feel like a tall order. That’s where the GIVE approach comes into play.
GIVE—Gentle, Interested, Validated, Easy manner—is a thoughtful framework that can make a big difference in how we connect with others and handle conflicts. It’s about creating an environment where understanding flourishes, emotions settle, and relationships thrive. Let’s break down each piece of GIVE and explore how you can use it in your everyday interactions.
G - Gentle
Being gentle doesn’t mean softening your stance or backing down—it's about how you deliver your words and actions. A gentle approach communicates care and sensitivity, especially when emotions run high. Think of your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.
For instance, if a coworker is upset about a missed deadline, snapping back or pointing fingers might escalate the situation. Instead, you might say, “I know this feels stressful right now, and I want to figure out how we can solve this together.” This conveys respect and calm, lowering the emotional intensity and opening up space for collaboration.
I - Interested
Being genuinely interested in another person shows that you value what they’re feeling and experiencing. People notice when you're genuinely listening, and this can go a long way in building trust and resolving tension.
Ask thoughtful questions and listen without jumping in to fix or judge. If a loved one is venting about their day, instead of offering unsolicited advice, try saying, “That sounds frustrating—can you tell me more about what happened?” This simple shift lets the other person feel heard and understood, which can be profoundly comforting and disarming.
V - Validated
Validation bridges understanding someone’s feelings and letting them know it’s okay to feel like they do. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them—it just means you acknowledge their emotions are real and essential.
For example, if your child says, “I feel like I’m terrible at math,” instead of dismissing their concern by saying, “Oh, don’t be silly, you’re fine,” try validating with, “I can see how hard this is for you right now—you’ve been working really hard, and it’s okay to feel frustrated.” When people feel validated, they are more open to receiving support.
E - Easy Manner
Sometimes, a little levity can work wonders. An easy manner is about bringing a light touch to your interactions—whether it’s a warm smile, a kind word, or even some humor (when appropriate).
For example, in a tense conversation with a friend, you could add a dash of warmth by saying, “Okay, let's hit pause for a second and try this over a cup of coffee—my treat!" This approach helps people feel more at ease while keeping the focus on collaboration rather than confrontation.
The Power of GIVE in Practice
The beauty of the GIVE approach is that it works across all kinds of relationships and situations. Whether comforting a friend, mediating a workplace conflict, or parenting a teenager, these simple principles can help strengthen bonds and lower defenses.
Start small. The next time you sense tension or want to deepen a relationship, take a breath and approach with GIVE. Be gentle in your words and actions. Show genuine interest in the other person’s feelings. Validate their experience. And bring a sense of ease to the moment.
While GIVE might not resolve every conflict overnight, it can set the stage for healthier dialogue and more meaningful connections. And isn’t that what we all strive for—relationships where we feel seen, heard, and supported?
The GIVE approach is a tool and a mindset that reminds us to approach others with kindness, curiosity, and care. And who knows—the simple act of practicing GIVE may just inspire others to do the same.